New Blog

is over here if your interested:

http://onthefringeofhisdarkness.wordpress.com/

Round Two…

So, I have been stagnant and away from this lifestyle for many years.  Although I have missed it, it just wasn’t meant to be anymore and no one had entered my life that I deemed worthy of this type of trust.  Until now.  Looks like I’m about to return to my roots with a new man, a man that I am certain is my soul mate.  Slight twist to this because although He has some very dominant traits, He has never been involved in a relationship on this level.  This will be His maiden voyage to the dark side.  I will probably chronicle the events as I did here, however it will be on another blog.  He deserves His own space.

I’ve decided not to force myself to forget or down play what I still feel for you. Because I know I can’t. It would take forever. I will find a way to mend myself but it’ll take a while. A long while.

I thought when it was finally over that I simply move on. Or I was expecting myself to at least feel better or relieved about this. For I really tried. Everyone who has eyes can see that.  You deserved better. I know he treated you far better.

It seems that it’s harder than I thought.  This week 5 different dreams related to you. Five. I’m not joking. I can literally remember every one of them. And every one of them is about you trying to get rid of me. I woke up in tears at 11am, totally unable to believe myself. If only I could fix this.

I hardly have any energy left.

I’m really broken.

I can not hide from your memory or avoid it. In fact I still very much want to see you. Just see you. Nothing else.

I only want you.

I don’t write here anymore:

but that doesn’t mean I can’t link to some funny ass shit, right?

I still don’t have any idea what in the hell this is either!!

New Scenery

Does NOT mean I am going to start posting here again.  Or that anything at all has changed, because it hasn’t.  I changed the background because it was such a freaking mess you couldn’t tell which way was up.

WTF??

I’m only posting here because I just got an unwelcome  jolt from the past.  Many people, I mean 40-100 a day come and read this blog.  This is the only reason I have not yet deleted it.  I feel obligated to help those of you in the lifestyle even though I have chosen to leave it.

I came here today to delete it.

I have changed my mind.  4 the moment.

I did notice that almost ALL of the dates on here are wrong.  I stopped talking to this man in early 2007.  February or March.  So, wordpress has seriously fucked something up.  I just felt it VERY necessary to point out the wrong dates listed throughout this entire blog.   Hopefully I will b able to delete the history off of my computer  good enough that he doesn’t come across it.

Yes, my Fella knew about this part of my life, but He certainly didn’t/doesn’t approve of it.

Breaking the Silence

The more i read about ‘sub-space’ and ‘flying’ – the more i re-play my first actual experience over and over in my head. At first i thought the reason was because it was such an exquisite feeling, however, now i think it’s also because it bothered me.

***

For years i had only fantasized about being restrained and blindfolded. i’d always had this thing about having to see what was happening. For once I just wanted to know what it would be like to ‘have’ to feel instead. To be able to experience the anticipation of not knowing what was going to happen next. That was my ultimate fantasy.

So … when He took me to this beautiful cabin with breath taking scenery and proceeded to fulfill that fantasy – it was pure heaven. i suppose now would be a good time to mention – that i never came out and told Him what my fantasy was. He just did everything so perfectly – when He pulled out the blindfold, He seemed quite pleasantly surprised that i wanted what He was presenting to me. (The chance to completely trust and surrender unto Him.)

He made me feel sensations i’d only dreamt of and some i had no idea i wanted (let alone needed or desired). The most amazing feeling of freedom swept over me. i had no choice but to experience – and the experience was out of this world – literally.

***

As it turns out, what’s been bothering me is that after it was over i started to think that something was wrong with me. i got the feeling that i had upset Him – because i went into ‘sub-space’ so easily and (as He tells me) so quickly. Plus – i really couldn’t answer His questions when we talked about it. It was so hard to explain that i had never experienced that before. (i’m pretty sure He thought S/m was something i was already familiar with – and just didn’t want to tell Him.) It was really hard to gather rational thoughts.

We hadn’t been together long enough for my comfort and trust level to have reached that point. So … as this continued to bother me more and more, i tried to figure out just why it was so easy for me to surrender to Him.

I now realize – that for absolutely no logical/intelligent reason – I felt comfortable and safe beyond measure with Him. At that moment I belonged to Him – whether I liked it or not – whether it was logical or not – whether I understood it or not – it didn’t matter. I’d never felt so safe and protected in my life as I did at that very moment of ‘take off’. I knew I didn’t want to be without this Man. This Man that seemed to know me so well that He could fulfill my deepest desire and make my fantasy a reality, and He did it by simply being Himself.

Thank You!  What we had may have ended, but what He taught me will never be forgotten.

i hope this answers some of the questions i couldn’t answer then.

It’s been awhile

i’m tired of fighting about that whole issue that came up yesterday. i’ve decided to just say fuck it and let it go. Either he accepts me or he can kiss my ass. i am what i am, i have evolved and grown in the damned years he has known me, but that has been constant.
i’m too tired and i have too much other shit to worry about to be bothered with this. He has known me too long to believe i’m a liar or delude himself about what i am. Its just not worth it, and i refuse to be derailed from the work i’m doing by this stupid shit.
It would be real easy to fall into a big whining cycle of hurt and pain about this, but i’m not going to do it. Fuck that. i’m busy.
He knows me. He knows if i wasn’t with him i was fucking someone. And, he knows if i forgot to tell him someone it was just that i forgot. Who gives a fuck about that guy. No one. Not me, not P, not a damn soul that I know. S was just acting the ass. Which i suppose we are all entitled to do from time to time. That’s it, that’s the end of it.
i’m going back to working on me. On finding ways to deal with my bullshit. On finding those fucked up ideas i have left over from childhood and replacing them with rational logic. On enjoying my life. On teaching myself to stand up for myself. And, on doing things just like this. Letting shit that doesn’t make a fuck… go.

Goodbye bullshit. i don’t need you.

Seems that

Everyone reads my blog and NO ONE leaves comments.  What gives?? Speak up already, damn!!!

A five letter word

Doubt.

There exists no doubt about her

How can I doubt My feelings

How can I doubt the sense that she has always existed at the edge of My consciousness – waiting for the moment that she reveals herself to Me

How can I doubt her submission and My responsibility to ensure her safety and happiness

No, My doubts concern Me. Am I worthy of accepting her submission?

Can I live to the expectations that she has set?

Will I, Can I ever be all that she needs?

Those are My doubts but I know I want to be with her.