Just For A Little While
i don’t know if its me or if its my loved ones or if its fate or what but i can’t seem to make anyone happy anymore. i am in a state of retreat. No amount of trying seems to bring about the desired result. i just can’t… get with it. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m pushing myself as hard as i can push, i’m screaming in my head all day long and trying my damnedest to get it right and yet everything keeps coming out like shit. i keep fucking up. Spectacularly. my house is becoming a total mess, and my attempts to clean just seem to make it worse. Every morsel of food i’ve attempted to prepare tasted like refried shit. i seem to be either abrasive or whiney or somehow annoying to most everyone in my life and i can’t seem to find what it is that they want. Somehow i’ve lost track of who i am supposed to be, where i am going, and what the fuck i am doing. i feel their impatience. i understand it. Hell, i’m impatient. What the fuck is wrong with me? i scream at myself constantly. “Get with it, get with it, get with it.” But, nothing happens. If i push really hard on the house and get stuff done with it, five other things fall apart and i am down all day the next day with weird physical symptoms. When i get the five other things back in the air, i’ve dropped the house and it looks like a bomb hit it. i lost it today and cried for like 15 minutes which is an eternity for me. All i can say is i’m sorry. i don’t know what’s wrong. i don’t know why i can’t perform. i don’t know why i can’t pull my act together. The litany of curses i’ve used to motivate myself my whole life aren’t working anymore. They just further immobilize me. It’s disgusting. Simple choices are more than i can manage. i can’t communicate clearly. i’m suffocating and i can’t find the places to pull or tug or push to move on. i’m sick to death of it. i’m exhausted all the time and i can’t sleep. i just want to be someone else for a little while.
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