The thing that I have most dreaded has come to pass: Angel’s s/o has found out about us. Everything about us. I still don’t have a full account of what happened, but it appears that somehow he got access to a journal she kept for me, recording intimate thoughts about our relationship, and details of our meetings together.
We are both devastated. It’s difficult for her now to get any messages to me, since she is closely watched, but I can imagine only too well her distress. I know that she loves him (though some may find this hard to credit) and that causing him suffering will hurt her greatly. Plus she is deprived of the support and comfort which I would give her in full measure if only I could.
I don’t fear for her physical safety. She has told me that he is not a violent man towards her. But whether he will be able to forgive her I don’t know. He hasn’t thrown her out yet, and so it seems the relationship is surviving in the short term, but what the long-term damage will be is hard to say.
I have never sought to break up her relationship, nor she mine. We always said to each other that if the chips were down we would have to put our s/o first. Some might question what sort of a relationship Angel and I could have, if that were the case. All I can say is, we knew what we were doing and why we did it, we made some difficult decisions a long time ago, and we will stick to them.
I can’t provide her with the emotional, social and financial security she gets from him. What I have been able to offer is a sexual fulfilment she will never receive from her s/o, and her need of that has been great enough to sustain her through the severe limitations our relationship is subject to. Now, if she is to be deprived of that fulfilment, I don’t know how she will fare. I know it will be very, very hard for her.
As far as he believes, she has renounced me for ever. It may be that this is indeed what happens, but it has not happened yet. We are still in touch, but very intermittently, a snatched email now and again. That’s one of the hardest parts for me, not knowing how she is, what she is thinking and feeling. But it must be harder for her, to live with the pain and anger. I am trying to be patient, not demanding that she make any statements about the future, just waiting to see how things go. But at the back of my mind was always the fear that our relationship might one day fail, and now that must be a real possibility.
I want her happiness above all, and I can see no easy way for her to obtain it. Should I feel guilty I have brought her to this? Is it my fault? She has not said so, and I am sure she never will. Each of us knows what we brought to the other, each of us was prepared to gamble everything for that. But if she goes, I will miss her most terribly. I do love her, though maybe it’s not a love that many will understand.