So I’m out here kicking them damn rocks around again, leash attached. Hope I don’t choke myself. But it’s necesary I know. I have spent the past 2 days trying to figure out what the hell my problem is. So I went in search of answers. Reaching out and diggin deep. So here it goes, 100% honesty included. *sighs*
Looking back before I met you, I knew what I wanted. I wasn’t sure what I would do with it once I got it. I had no experience to draw on. I only knew that to be true to myself, this was something I needed to make me feel complete. I barely got out of the starting gate and ran right into you. I felt as though I had just hit a brick wall, stopped me dead in my tracks no matter where I stepped. No man has been able to do that. This is how I knew you were the dominant for me.
I am a submissive with alot to learn. It’s not enough to just have a submissive nature. It goes far beyond the bdsm play. I’m learning about myself and what kind of submissive I want to be. Trying to blend those things together has been a bit of a challenge. At the same time I’m trying to find my place with you.
This is what I’ve learned the past 2 days…*breathes*
1.) I actually go thru physical withdrawal of physical pain. Some would call me nuts for saying that. But it’s true. I think you know what I’m saying, after all you are a sadist and I am a masochist. When I’m telling you that I’m aching, I mean I’m ACHING. It affects how I function physically, mentally and emotionally. Going to the gym may cause physical pain, but it’s not the kind I need. Getting mentally bogged down is painful, not the kind of pain I need. Going into a rage or breaking down, again not the emotional pain I need. Going to others to find relief doesn’t work. I need the pain of a sadist. It’s all connected to you. You have my body.
2.) Being with other men, unless you approve or desire this, fucks me up in the head. Because mentally I know I belong to you, that is where my pain has to come from. It’s all connected to you. You have my mind.
3.) FEAR…I have so much fear. Giving in to the unknown. The last emotion I need to tackle. For me, fear is connected to my heart. Which leads me to the L word…yep, there it is. Why is it there? Because you are married. I know you’re saying to yourself…not this again. But this is huge Master. In order for me to become your true submissive, I have to give you my heart. I can’t get around that. I don’t want to get hurt. It’s not something I think about alot. But it’s been there for a few days now. I wanted to share that with you now so I can move forward in my training. In giving you my heart, I will have no need to play hide & seek. So I am going to conquer my fear by replacing it with trust. In saying that, I’m offering you my heart if you will accept it.
4.) Last piece…my submission. I believe that if you have all the above, my submission will come easier. I will no longer want to fight what’s inside of me. I am giving myself to you to fulfill your wishes and desires. I will no longer lead my own way, I will follow you.
And Master, thank you for giving me time to find my way back to you.
I have betrayed your trust..and I truly hope you will not release me because of it.