Anger. Mind numbing white-hot anger surging through my veins and trying to escape from my mouth with every word I speak. That is what I feel. That is what is living inside of me. I fight to keep it down, swallow it so that it won’t get out of control. It is winning, very slowly, bit by aching bit.

Scratch the surface and not only will I bleed, I will claw and snarl and bite as the anger breaks free. I will burn with the intensity of the anger inside. I want to run away from everyone and everything. I want to hide. That way I will not hurt the people that I love. I don’t want to feel their pain. I can’t handle the responsibility of making someone else bleed. It is enough to do it to myself.

I don’t feel safe. I am scared. I don’t know where to go with this hurt. I can’t take it to Him. He isn’t here and is so stressed out with work that it is Him that I lash out at the most. I try hard to be polite, to be nice and sweet, to give Him the space that He needs but He senses something behind it, that I am trying to keep something from Him and He feels that my sweetness is insincere. It is not.

Yes I am hiding my fear, my panic, my rage. Yes I am not showing Him my insanity or the tiredness that has worked its way into my bones. But the sweetness that I give Him is given with all of my love. It is the only way I know how to soothe Him while we are this far apart.

And when He questions it the anger is right there, ready to attack, I hang up, I walk away, socks are often thrown. Crying is affective, silent tears for no one else to see. They are all mine, just for me. It seems to soothe the anger, cool it down just a little, bring it back under control. For a little while, at least.

Somewhere deep inside me, where the anger finds its spark, there is a small satisfied part of me gently encouraging the flame, tormenting me with the knowledge that it is me that causes it to burn. I cannot lay the blame for it at anyone else’s feet but my own.

I wish I knew how to make it go away.


About Mae East

Brooklyn NYC and vicinity.
This entry was posted in Life, Love, S Worship. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Anger

  1. JeN says:

    I’m glad you figured out what it was you needed. I hope you get it before everything becomes too much for you. You’re stronger than you realize so you’ll hold out and it will be worth it.
    I’m also glad that you enjoyed flinging stick men. Your comment of “die bastard die” cracked me up!
    Oddness: I have your anger from yesterday (for different reasons though) and I think I’m the one who needs the punching bag now. Pillows will have to do.

    Feel satisfied soon, okay darlin’? *hug*

  2. Luci says:

    {{{{hugs}}}} Hold on. It will be worth it when he gets home.
    I know how much you hate it when he is away. Is that part of what is contibuting to this feeling?

    Girly stuff somtimes makes me feel better. A bubble bath, doing my nails and toes, a cheap trashy romance novel, wine and chocolate. Indulge yourself if you can.

  3. Amber says:

    Sounds like you want to feel owned again. You miss feeling *owned* by S.

    I totally get that. If I don’t feel possessed by Dan for almost any period of time, I start going batty.

    I crave that feeling. Like crack. No doubt there are many who would consider that need unhealthy, but I believe it surely keeps us close and loving. Unlike so many other couples I read of….so who is to say what’s “unhealthy” and what isn’t?

    So fuck them.

    I’d rather be happy together than not. Any day.

    Can’t wait for S to come home to you, Angyl.

  4. Mick says:

    You obviously miss the guy, I got that much.

    Your needs are a wonder to me, Angel. But then, that only adds to the whole mystery of what makes a woman tick. Different strokes, right?

    I hope he comes back to you soon.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s