I begged Him. Honest-to-God, down on my knees at His feet, hands clasped to the heavens, begging. A steady and heartfelt stream of “please please Master, please please please”. Pure grovelling.
S gazed down at me, slightly bemused at my humiliating display of need. He gazed down at me from His impressive height, at my upturned face, my hands clinging to the fabric of His jeans, listening as I pleaded.
He gazed down at me, whithering me with His expression of power. Looking at me as a spider must surely watch a fly. Telling me without words, but with His eyes. I own you. Everything you have, everything you are is because of Me.
A predatory gaze to be sure, one that would normally send me scurrying back out of arms reach. One that would normally cause my words to dry up and my brain to quiet and calm in the absolute facts of my place in things.
But the need was great. The need beat a steady pulse in my ears, growing stronger and louder as I humbled myself on the floor at His feet.
“It’s hasn’t been that long.” He remarked disdainfully, sneering at my pathetic buckling under only a few weeks of denial. But imagine! Imagine weeks of no alcohol to an alcoholic. Imagine weeks of no cigarettes to a smoker. Imagine weeks of not touching the one you love. Imagine weeks of intense, deep-seated lust burning constantly inside you.
Imagine begging on your knees to the one person who has the power to give it to you.
He pushed me away from Him with the tip of His boot. “We’ll see,” He remarked flippantly, and walked away. I pleaded with Him that He wasn’t being fair. He responed “Fair only applies if you see a Ferris Wheel.” At the door, He turned, and once again His hard gaze landed upon my face. “If I give it to you,” He said thoughtfully, “You’ll only lose respect for me.” and with that He left, closing the door on my fervent denial of such a thing.
Left alone, those parting words reverberated in my head. Would I? Have I come far enough along to really see the pleasures He allows me as His gifts to me and not as something I manipulated out of Him? Long hours of introspection followed in the quiet house.
He denies me often. Denies me many things that I love, things that bring me joy and happiness. But just as often as He denies me, He indulges me. He gets equal pleasure out of watching me squeal in delight, as He does in watching me suffer a denial. I carefully picked through and thought about the many, many things He allows me. All of the many things that He gifts me with. Each and every one of them are doled out according to His mood and His desires. Never, ever, because I’ve guilted Him into it. I may ask for it, but I’m never sure that I will get it.
Confident then that I would not lose respect for Him if He allowed me this, but not at all confident that I would get it, I settled down to wait for His return.
When He did come in, I searched His face for some hint. A smile played around His twitching lips but that gave me no clue. He would smile just as gleefully to deny me this thing and I knew it. He approached me, leaning down to capture a nipple between two very powerful fingers. He promised me tomorrow. We all know tomorrow never comes.
“You are such a spoiled cunt.” He said, laughing as I bounced.
I am. I am spoiled beyond belief.